(or "How to Live Through PMS")
 Before the Honeymoon! |
 After the Honeymoon! |
Now there's a quick and simple book to help those poor men who found themselves caught in a bear trap. In easy to understand text, you'll find some of the answers you've been looking for.
Dedicated to all those brave men who risk their sanity for the sake of having the house cleaned, clothes washed, food cooked, and being "relieved" once a month.
THE CRITICS APPLAUD:
John Imanasshole (married 10 years): "Best guide to the number one affliction of men."
Alex Heyjerk (married 5 years): "My life is easier now. Thanks."
Fred Youmoron (married 3 months): "Helped me to understand my She Wolf."
Joe Bachelor (unmarried): "I don't undestand it, but I'm sure I will!"
WARNING TO MINORS: Don't try this at home. Only professionals should attempt matrimony. The Surgeon General has determined that it causes premature insanity in laboratory rats.
Arguments
Basements
Bathroom Use
Children
Cleaning
Cooking
Decorating
Farting
Sex: The Honeymoon
Sex: After The Honeymoon
Shopping: Food
Shopping: Clothing
Television
Favorite Sayings
Glossary
If the topic really isn't that important, save your evening by saying these important words: "You've proven your case. I was wrong. I apologize." If it's not Monday Night Football night and you want to have some fun, say: "I'm so stupid, of course you're right. I apologize for everything I've ever done. I humble in your shadow." THEN STAND BACK BECAUSE THE FUR IS GOING TO FLY!
To get out of it, just use the "Husband's Basic Response" (HBR) method: "Yes Dear".
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This is your domain. She does have access to the washer/drying though. Basements are the one REAL place you rule. As for the rest of the house, forget it.
This is a great place to hide out for hours on end if you need to get away from her (especially during PMS). You must have some kind of work area set up though.
The nice thing about the basement is that when you do come back upstairs, she can't say: "Who were you with/Where have you been?". If she asks you what you were doing, you were simply "Tinkering around" or "Straightening up".
Always be sure that the basement is messy. Otherwise she'll never believe you.
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It's a known scientific fact that women go in a trance when they enter the bathroom. Don't expect them to return during the same hour they entered it. It's also useless to try and get them out. The bathroom is their domain just like the basement is yours. You have to live with it.
If you're in the bathroom, make sure you leave a mess (i.e., hair in the sink, toilet lid up, towel in the floor, etc.). Woman have this need to pester you about things and it's safer to be pestered about that than other things.
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When you first get married, you both typically discuss when you'll have children. Well, forget that conversation. She meant well but when they get that ring on their finger, they will hint at it all the time.
The key here is not to get upset. Explain reasons why you can't have kids yet (i.e., financial, live in a one bedroom apartment, etc.). This will usually relax their hormones for a couple of weeks.
In the end, you should still be on your original schedule.
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If you're not working a part time job (which would be surprising), you're stuck. You have to help clean. The only way out is:
1. Clean badly. They'll give you less next time.
2. You work a part time job and they don't. Say: "Both of us are pulling our own weight."
Otherwise, put up and shut up, unless you like cleaning.
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Traditionally, men don't like to cook. As bachelors they eat cold canned food or eat out. If you cook better than your wife, skip this section. Otherwise....
Offer to cook. If she errantly agrees, over or under cook the food. At least you can say you tried. After that you should be kitchen free. If not, repeat process until effective.
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Forget hanging up your manly/personal/bachelor items. The woman will traditionally take over from here. The only say in the matter that you have is not to have your home look like a women's dormitory. Compromise.
If you have more than one bathroom, let her decorate it anyway she wants (just don't go in it).
If you have a spare bedroom, this is where you can hang your stuff. You'll be surprised how a whole apartment's worth of macho stuff will fit in one little spare bedroom.
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Men are expected to fart. Fortunately, your wife's father has accustomed her to this.
Fart as often as possible, even if you almost sh_t your pants. It's the only time you can have your say and she has no reply.
If you think it's going to be a smelly one, make sure she's in the vacinity. Then say, "Oops, I didn't expect that". It's harmless revenge for whatever she's done lately to you.
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Women will deny it, but they plan the wedding date based on when they get their period. THEY WILL HAVE IT ON THE HONEYMOON.
If you're lucky, she won't have it the entire time. In any case, have as much sex as possible. You'll have it more often then than you will later. (See next topic.)
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Forget it. You'll get it occasionally. It'll slow down to a snails pace. If you didn't get it a lot during the Honeymoon, you lose.
When you do get it, if possible make sure she's satisfied. If you don't, it'll make having sex even less frequent.
In case you forget what sex means, refer to the Glossary.
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If you don't do the cooking, don't get too involved in this. Wives and coupons are synonymous. While shopping, occasionally slip in goodies for you to eat.
Otherwise, your responsibilities are to:
1. Push the cart
2. Pack the bags
3. Carry the bags (to the car and into the house)
Other than that, avoid it. They have specific brands they buy and no matter what you get, it's the wrong brand/size/quantity.
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When women's clothes get worn or damaged, they have this strange habit of replacing them. Some women even buy clothes for the sake of buying clothes (hard to understand, huh?).
Try to keep their purchases to a minimum. It's not an easy task, but hey, lifes a b_tch (then you marry one).
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If you're smart, you'll own two TV's. That way you can watch the good stuff (i.e., sports, Dirty Harry, horror movies, etc.) and they can watch the garbage (i.e., Dallas, Falcoln Crest, etc.).
If you own one TV. The only thing to do is the "C" word, compromise. If you like sports, Mondays you watch TV and some other she does. Do yourself a favor, buy another TV.
It is imperative that you possess the remote control. Change it as often as possible without making it look obvious. Pay attention though. Stop when she starts to get too annoyed. You don't want to have to watch TV and ignore her at the same time. (Too much like working.)
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SAYING AND IT'S TRANSLATION
I forgot: I remembered, I just wanted to annoy you.
Uh huh: I have no idea what you just said. Let me watch TV in peace.
I forgot: I didn't want to do it.
In a sec: I'll be there when the game/movie is over.
I forgot: You never told me but you've got PMS and I don't want to get you going.
OK by me: Like I could've gotten away with saying no?
I forgot: E=MC2.
I love you: I'm horny.
I forgot: Slipped my mind. I was thinking about other women.
Humpf: I couldn't come up with a better reply so this will have to do.
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HBR: Husband's Basic Response: "Yes Dear".
HUSBAND: A being possessed by a demon the Hell.
LINGERIE: A flannel nightgown.
MAN: 1. Unmarried: A happy male. 2. Married: See HUSBAND.
MARRIAGE: A woman's way of acquiring a slave.
NAG: See WIFE.
NUISANCE: See WIFE.
PMS: 1. Pre Menstrual Syndrome: A scourge to man. 2. Post Marital Sex: Night time non-activity in bed.
SEX: 1. Your dominant hand. Legend has it described as intercourse.
SHOPPING: An affliction to women.
WIFE: A demon from Hell.
WOMAN: 1. Unmarried: A nubile female. 2. Married: See WIFE.
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This was originally written by me on October 13, 1989 for my sister-in-law's wedding. I distributed it out to everyone at the rehersal dinner (yup, even my father-in-law). It went over well. My wife has always threatened to write one for a woman, but she never has.
This is meant to be purely for humorous purposes. If I 100% meant any of this, my 100% Italian wife would have a field day on my dead body!
George Graham
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© 1999 George Graham
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